Strikin' Paydirt

I have recently came into a large sum of money due to my hard work and business acumen. And to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure how to reinvest it. So, any (free) investment advice would be greatly appreciated.
You can try this yourself if you would like to make a little cash (legally) on the side for only a few minutes of work (I use the term work very loosely).
Last week, as I was headed to work, I came up on a school bus that was stopped to pick up a group of grade-schoolers. I, of course, stopped to allow the likely dubious ruffians to herd themselves like cattle into the bus. As I was sitting there wondering why it was taking those hooligans so long to get on the bus and sit down, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a Saturn (the car, not the planet) coming straight at me with its wheels locked up, smoking like it's tires were on fire.
I frightfully profaned, “%&@#, I’M A DEAD MAN!!!”
Golly gee wilikers, the joy of knowing you are one slow-motion second away from getting smacked like a Tiger Woods golf ball. (Well, the positive side of this was that I was going to get to meet all those nice little boys and girls when my car gets parked right in the middle their school bus.)
Fortunately, I was calmed by the elderly ladies well manicured fingernails that were glued to her wide open mouth.
…SKREEEECH…BAMMM!!!
I felt the impact lunge me forward as my brain bounced around like a pinball in my skull.
“Come on airbag, save my life…………………………”
… nothing. No airbag.
“Fiddle de de.”
I quickly gathered myself and examined my face in the rear view mirror and saw that I still had my rugged good looks (that I am so well known for). I could deal with a lost limb as long as I still had my good looks (that I am so well known for).
Upon further examination, I discovered that I still had all my limbs and that I didn’t have any gaping holes in my jugular(s) (I don’t know how many jugular(s) I have, and hopefully I never have to find out).
The other driver and I pulled over to the side of the road to examine the damage and exchange insurance information.
“I am sooo sorry”, she burst out.
“Ohh, I’m fine. Are you ok?” I asked.
I walked around to the back of my car to assess the damage. There was only damage to the bottom of my bumper where her car slid under mine.
“Well, that doesn’t look too ba…”
“Do you even want to turn it in to insurance?” she interrupted.
“Umm, well… yeah. I would like someone to take a look at it to make sure my axle is not going to snap in half while I am driving 70 mph down the freeway, sending me flying off a tall bridge doing summersaults in a ball of fire. ”
“Ohh, ok.” she said dejectedly.
We exchanged each other’s insurance info and went on our way.
The next day, I got a call from her insurance agency who told me that they were accepting fault and would later send out an adjustor to assess the damage.
The next day a cheerful grey-haired man came out and checked out the car and informed me that he would compile the information. He also told me that he would have claims representative contact me shortly to provide the necessary details.
The next day, I got a call from the insurance company.
Satan-“Hello, I am calling for Mr. Ard”
“Speaking…”
“Yes, we looked over the information that the adjustor provided and we have determined that the damage totaled 12 dollars.”
“WHAT?!? 12 dollars?!?”
“Yeah, there was some damage that was already on the bumper, so all we can give you is 12 dollars.”
So, now I am $12 richer. Well, not exactly. As I am typing this story right now I am enjoying the fruits of my shredded bumper. I am eating a “Shrek Push Up” Popsicle. I had to splurge a little. It cost $3.09; $8.91 left to invest. I have a couple of good leads already. A friend of mine is willing to sell me some stock in Fanny Mae. I was thinking something more like State Farm. If they only give out $12 to every accident victim, they must be making money hand over fist. On second thought, I think I am just going to spend the rest of it on a cheeseburger.