I walked in to the kid’s bathroom after work today and was struck by two things right away. The first was that their bathroom was clean! It‘s been a while since there wasn’t any towels or clothes on the floor; and not for lack of nagging on my part.
“Afton… when are you going to clean the kids bathroom? I had an angry badger jump out and hiss at me this morning while it was moving its babies between dirty laundry piles. And now I can’t find it because it has too many places to hide.”
Afton groans, “Aww, I hate cleaning the bathrooms.”
“But, I thought you like cooking and cleaning. You told me that before we got married. I remember you specifically saying, “I can’t wait to have our own place where I can cook and clean and do laundry”.”
“Yeah… I changed my mind… I hate it now. Why don’t you go ahead and do it?”
Ding, ding, ding…and with that, the prize fight was over: TKO in the first round.
So now you can imagine my surprise when I walked in today and it was clean.
However, upon further inspection, I noticed a pair of the kid’s pants in the corner; someone had an accident.
This reminded me of some close calls in my own life.
When I was on my mission in Seoul Korea, we missionaries ate a lot of spicy foods that did not always agree with us. I remember one time my companion (Elder Bodine) and I were headed to an appointment across town. We had our traditional spicy teriyaki beef and rice for breakfast (they don’t like to eat sweets in the morning. They think it’s gross to eat sweets first thing in the morning). We had our scripture study and panned out our discussion. We were feeling good and ready for the day.
We headed for the bus stop that was only a few hundred yards from our place. I felt great! We hopped on the 30 year old sun faded bus as it spewed black smoke into the air. It was a hot and humid morning that got even hotter and more humid as we stood shoulder to shoulder (well, shoulder to elbow) with 50 sweaty Koreans (who also ate spicy beef for breakfast (the morning sweats rule also applies to toothpaste)).
It was about a 25 minute bus ride to our first appointment. Almost immediately I started feeling my stomach tie in knots. After a few minutes in the bus, I told my companion that I needed to find a bathroom. We were close to a shopping center so he agreed. I went over to the cord next to the bus doors. You would pull the cord to let the bus driver know that you wanted off at the next stop.
I gave the cord a good tug and the buzzer went off. I was thinking about how we would have plenty of time to run to the bathroom, catch another bus, and still make it to our appointment with plenty of time to spare.
Then I saw the bus stop sign flash by. I quickly gave the cord a quick frantic yank. Buzz…
The bus driver kept driving like he heard nothing. I figured the next stop was close so I waited patiently.
A mile later, the bus finally stopped. At this point I was trying not to panic. My companion and I started walking back toward the shopping center off in the distance.
“Ok, if we hurry I should be fine.”I say trying to stay positive.
In complete silence we hastily walk toward the bathrooms. Then 50 yards from the bathrooms-I freeze.
Elder Bodine- “Elder Ard, why did you stop?!? The bathroom is right there! Come on, hurry up!”
With my eyes popping out of my head as if I had just seen Sasquatch, I stood motionless.
Without making any movement, I whispered like a ventriloquist, “I can’t! If I take one more step I will have an accident right here in front of all these people.”
My companion turned around, saw my face, and erupted in laughter, “Hahahaha…you should …hahahahahaha…you should…hahahaha…see…your face…hahahaha. I wish I had my camera…hahahaha… your face is hilarious right now…hahahaha” as he doubles over grabbing his side in hysteria.
With my teeth clinched tight I exclaim, “Elder Bodine, I can’t make it to the bathroom.
“Well, you don’t have a choice unless you are going to go to the bathroom in your pants right here…hahahaha”
At this point, I’m thinking about escape routes and how to get another pair of pants.
After standing motionless for two or three minutes, the overwhelming urge subsided slightly. I ran for my life and made it to the bathroom with .0987 seconds left to spare! Yikes!
I later found out that one of the elders in my mission had the same problem while he was on the subway. Unfortunately, he passed out… and well, you can guess the rest of that story.
4 comments:
You know, I never had problems making it to the bathroom until I had my first kid. Now when I feel the urge to go, it gets worse the closer I get to the toilet! It's like my body is playing a practical joke on me everytime. It's not even funny enough to make me laugh.
Your post title is not entirely correct. Don't you remember, I informed you like 10 years ago that girls don't do that (go poop). Such beautiful creatures could never do something that gross:) Love the story. Thanks for entertaining us at your expense!
Well, you are right I hate cleaning the bathrooms. I just got used to you cleaning them when I was pregnant. I used to buy the bathroom cleaners that pregnant women weren't supposed to use just so that I had a excuse not to have to clean them..haha :)
Right on! Way to keep that turtle in it's shell. I think that any returned missionary who won't admit to pooped pants or at least a close call is a liar, or possibly just considerate.
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